Saturday, April 16, 2005


"Another Summer day has come and gone away... i want to go home,
Maybe surrounded by a million people i still feel all alone... i want to go home..."
lyrics to Home by Michael Buble.

How apt it is that there be this wonderfully beautiful sad song on Repeat this very moment as i sit awake, physically and mentally tired, with a heavy heart and dried up tears upon my cheeks... thinking about how long it's been since i've felt like living a life worth living. It's not that i don't want to get out and take a walk around anywhere but here, i want to but i just don't have the energy to, or anyone to go out with whom i would enjoy the company of. Sad, but true, at least in my eyes. Of course i could go out yang sendiri (alone) but what difference would that be when i could just be alone in the library with "Home by Buble" on Repeat, constantly Refreshing the regular blogs i visit, watching an epsiode of NCIS or OC, an occasional movie on my laptop, etc...

In the past 6 weeks, i've left campus only 4 times, and to the local fish shop for no more than 60 minutes on each occasion. As mentioned, it's not that i don't want to go out; the energy's not there. I don't feel alive, i don't feel i'm living a life; as opposed to "i don't have a life", which is definitely not what i mean.

Back to the point about having "Home by Buble" on Repeat, i haven't been home in 6 weeks, i haven't spoken to my family in that time; i consider myself a runaway. Ironically the "Home" in Buble's song has a different meaning to what i have in mind: i want to go home to where i came from, that champion swimmer who made it to the finish while the other tadpole-ish swimmers died and got flushed away, i wish i was flushed away.

I should mention i hate mosquitoes who don't give up, no matter how many of their family and friends you maim/kill...


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...since 14 April 2005